Dante's Night at Freddy's
by MJTR
Summary: In a comedic mini-continuation of my "Revelations" storyline, Dante breaks a machine in a third-rate kid's themed pizza parlor and has to work off the damages. Shouldn't be so bad, right?
1. Chapter 1

[There really is no excusing this one. No real good reason why I'm working on this and not Angel of the Bat or The Book of Time or any far, _far_ more emotionally invested projects… This is bordem. Sheer, SHEER, bordem, and the fact that I have kinda missed writing in the Devil May Cry universe I was working in. That said, please enjoy

This story counts as a crossover with the indie horror game "Five Nights at Freddy's", but as there is no category for it (surprising given it's quick rise to popularity, but I acknowledge it hasn't been out that long) it is just marked as a DMC story]

It had taken weeks of nagging and convincing, but little Evie had finally managed to do it. After the many exciting commercials that had aired day after day when she got home from school, she convinced her old dad to take her out for her sixth birthday to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. He had long argued that the place had no dignity to it, that he didn't want to support any business that forced its employees to dress up in such demeaning (not to mention creepy) attire, and that their pizza would surely be subpar. At best.

Still, constant cries from his daughter led to constant cries from her little brother Arthur, which led to further irritation from his wife, Lucia. So, with a swallow of pride and a roll of the eyes, Dante agreed to take Evie to Freddy's for her birthday.

Evie was so excited she didn't even mind that he wanted to sit in the corner with his fingers rubbing at his forehead and shamefacedly slurping down strawberry malt after strawberry malt, Lucia sitting closer to young Arthur.

"You know today isn't supposed to be about you," his wife scolded. "You should be happy that Evie is happy."

"This place stinks… Literally," Dante quickly added. "Smells like spit and blood… Last time I was in a place that stank like this a gigantic tower had just spurt out of the ground a few blocks from my place and a bunch of Hells had just carved up some strippers."

"Would you keep it down! What if someone overhears you?"

"Over Teddy and his band of nightmares over there?" Dante asked, pointing a finger at the animatronics unconvincingly playing instruments on stage. "Oh I'm sorry, _Freddy_ and his band of nightmares… I'll give it this much… It's not as bad as the _last_ time I dealt with a Freddy and nightma-"

"Refill your drink sir?" A disinterested, pimply-faced teenage employee in an oversized teddy bear costume asked.

"Please! And uh… You got anything, y'know, _heavier_ back there by any chance?"

"Unless you wanna try the oil that lubes the robots, no." The kid said, taking his malt glass.

"How about that chicken?" Dante asked. "I want what that chicken's having! She looks like she's havin' a great time!"

"Do you need to insist on being a nuisance any time we go somewhere you don't want to go?" Lucia asked.

"Aw c'mon. This is supposed to be a _fun_ place right? This is how I have fun at these places. I'm too big for the ball pit."

"Well why don't you try and have fun with Evie?" Lucia asked. "She's over in the arcade next to pirate's cove."

Dante sighed and pushed himself up, making his way past the out of order "pirate's cove" attraction and seeing his daughter standing on a stool and desperately mashing buttons on the Street Fighter 2 machine.

"Hey squirt, how you holding up?" Dante asked. When she didn't answer, he looked at the screen, seeing her struggling as Chun Li to defeat Vega as he delivered swipe after swipe from his claw hand. "I could swear his name was Barlog back when I last played this." Dante muttered. After many failed combos, Vega landed the finishing blow and Evie lowered her head in shame for a moment before sadly turning to her father.

"Daddy… Could you finish the game for me?"

For the first time since arriving at the third-rate pizza parlor, Dante felt happy to do something, patting Evie on the back and saying, "Leave it to me."

Dante shoved in a few quarters and took Evie's place, his mind racing for combos as he made short work of Vega. After him he suffered a defeat at the hands of Sagat, but bounced back quickly and defeated him as well, leaving only the dreaded M. Bison to contend with. "This one's for you kiddo," Dante said.

But true to his status as final boss, Bison would not be defeated. Dante's usually excellent memory of attack combos began to blank as he starred enraged at lose-screen after lose-screen at the hands of Bison and his ridiculously unfair slide kick. So again and again he pushed on and tried, at one point pulling a five dollar bill out of his pocket and demanded Evie bring him more quarters.

"Dad, I really don't care if you-"

"He is NOT going to beat me!" Dante yelled, ignoring her. Evie sighed and went to retrieve his change.

Dante kept at the button mashing, struggling to get any possible hit he could on Bison as Evie kept feeding the machine quarters. When she told him she had run out, he pulled out his wallet to find it now completely bare of cash as Bison delivered his final slide kick.

Dante starred in disbelief, every pixel on Bison's face mocking how poor he had become. For a moment he forgot entirely who and how powerful he was, the look of mocking forcing his hand.

Dante's fist sailed right through the machine, which let out a loud, horrible crash as it broke and he tore his fist out from it.

When the moment finally passed, he could hear a few small children crying that he had broken a machine, and one of the men in the teddy bear costumes telling another to go get the boss. It wasn't ten awkwardly silent minutes later that Dante's shoulder was tapped on by the infuriated manager.

"Do you have any idea how much damage that little stunt you pulled did?!" He demanded. "Do you know how hard we struggle to get business around here as is?"

"Maybe you outta consider washing those animatronics of yours once in a while," Dante sneered. "It seriously stinks so bad in here."

"Quiet you rat! I should have you arrested for damage of my property!"

"Please sir," Lucia insisted, pulling Arthur closer. "My husband gets impulsive sometimes. We can pay for the broken machine."

"Well… Actually," the manager sighed. "Look, our last night shift security guy just quit and we're out anybody for the rest of the week… You owe us money, so you think you could stop by here and work that off?"

"Wouldn't be my first pro-bono arrangement," Dante muttered.

"He would be happy to!" Lucia said, glaring at Dante shortly thereafter. "When can he start?"

"Well… I dunno, tonight okay? Midnight til six AM?"

"Yes sir, he'll be here," Lucia said, still leering at Dante.

"Yeah. Sure. Why not. What my wife said. Midnight to six. What could possibly go wrong?"


	2. Chapter 2

So Dante reluctantly returned to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza that night. Strangely, there was no one there to greet him, just a packet of instructions and the key to the security room. He whistled to himself a little as he walked in and put his feet up, quickly finding the tablet the packet described that hooked into the security cameras.

"Oh goody. They've got all the security narrowed down to an expansive piece of work like this and they _still_ haven't sprung for any damn soap. The priorities of some people…"

Within his first minutes inside, there was a ringing from the phone. Wondering if he still possessed his former aim and luck, he smashed the heel of his foot into the table, sending the phone flying. Dante stuck out a hand and caught it, smirking to himself and saying,"Yello?"  
"Hello?"

"Yeah, hi."

Oh, Hello!

"Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night." Dante rolled his eyes. " Um, I actually worked in that office before you…"

Dante stopped paying attention at that point as he continued to flip through his instructions, questioning exactly why a place too cheap for soap _or_ enough electrical power to last through the night consecutively would spring for such an elaborate security setup. Eventually, he hung the phone up when some incident of 1987 was mentioned out of sheer disinterest and leaned back further in his chair, setting his hands behind his head and shutting his eyes. If anyone was stupid enough to _try_ and steal anything, it was already clear it wouldn't be worth the effort, and they'd probably cut their losses and just go home.

At around 1 AM he opened his eyes again, noting some strange little musical sound coming from outside the office. He peered down at the tablet at the main stage only to see, to his surprise, that Bonnie the rabbit had disappeared.

"Well I'll be damned," he muttered. "Somebody actually had it in em'." He tapped every little square on the tablet, checking every room in the restaurant (and briefly questioning who had opened the pitate's cove curtain and why) before concluding whoever had gten to Bonnie must have escaped. He sighed to himself, wondering if he'd have to incur a lawsuit for what he had let happen and the damage to the Street Fighter 2 machine before getting out of the chair and walking to the left-side exit, figuring it couldn't hurt to do a quick check of his own.

When he flicked on the light leading to the hallways, he double-took, not in fear, but in disbelief. Whoever had grabbed the Bonnie animatronic had set it up just outside the security room door, its oversized eyes starring in at him.

"Oh real funny," he remarked. "Is that jackass from the phone hanging out right behind you? His some stupid over elaborate joke?"

Without a word, only the same little musical cue, Bonnie reached forward and aggressively grabbed Dante by the red jacket he was wearing. "Hey pal, hands off the leather!" Dante commanded. When the giant purple began to pull (with a strength at surprised him enough to get him out a few inches) he further warned, "You're gonna regret this." When it still did not relinquish its grip, Dante, using the great force behind his pedagree, took several steps backwards, overpowering the misshapen robot until its extended arms, still clinging to his coat for dear life, were positioned just below the oversized electronic door Dante had left open.

With a single flick of a button and a sarcastic, "Woops." The door came downward, smashing and severing Bonnie's metallic arms. When he opened the door again the robotic creature starred, mouth agape, at its destroyed appendages before looking back up at Dante. "I hope you learned a valuable lesson," he sneered. The creature went limp for a moment before taking a hop towards him, its mouth opened wide enough to fit his head inside. Having already anticipated such an attack, Dante took a step back and, with a closed fist, punched his way directly through to the back of the animatronics' head.

The thing shook violently for a few moments before he jerked his arm free and the thing collapsed, still jilting a little on the ground. Dante took a look at his arm, which he was sure _should_ be bloody from some scrapes inside the head he had felt, but was sure there was more blood on it than there should be. Shrugging his shoulders a little, he lazily pushed the broken machine directly under the door's landing place and began to continuously press the button, bringing the door down upon its head over and over again with another, "Woops" every time until the head was totally destroyed.

He then sat back down, again questioned how the curtain over at pirate's cove kept on opening before again checking the main stage and noting Chicka the Chicken had also disappeared.

"Eh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," he said, sitting back down and again closing his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

At around 2:30 AM Dante again opened his eyes to a distinct smashing and clanging sound down the hall. He grabbed ahold of the tablet and checked the kitchen, only to find that the visual feed had somehow been disabled, only the same loud clanging was coming from the tablet camera. He sighed, rose from his chair and began flickering the lights in the right-side hallway. Nothing was there, only continued noise from the kitchen.

"Hey!" He called, leaning into the wall and crossing his arms. "Listen, if you're an employee, could you bring me a strawberry malt? And if you're a thief, be advised that there's nothing worth taking in here, and I'm a semi-retired, fifty-something year old demon slayer. I have a low tolerance for crap and a hell of an uppercut… And uhh," he sighed, unable to believe he was adding this third qualifier. "If you're that stupid animatronic chicken? I just pounded the rabbit into nuts and bolts. Lay a feather on me and I'll do the same to you."

Whoever was in the kitchen did not respond, they just kept clanging metal objects of some sort, probably pots and pans, together. Dante kept flickering the lights in the hallway, hoping to get its attention, but it still did not react.

"Well fine. It can't stay in there forever. Whoever, whatever it is, I'll get a good look at it later," he remarked, sitting back down and reviewing the footage on the tablet. "And who or what keeps messing with that stupid curtain? That fox has seen better days, I get why they'd want to hide it…"

A deep, demonic-like groan came from down the hallway. Dante quickly checked on the tablet to find nothing there, but the sound was so loud and sounded so close, he figured it better to flick on the lights.

Immediately after he did he was greeted by the sight of the horrifying, slack jawed Chica the Chicken animatronic, its soulless eyes looking right at him, the bib reading "LET'S EAT!" it wore seemingly promising a horrible fate to any who discovered it at these cursed hours.

Before Dante could react, the creature stuck out its arms and attempted to grab ahold of him as Bonnie had, before Dante pointed out the most fundamental flaw in its action.

"You're a damn _chicken!_" He grabbed a hold of his own on the animatronics' arm and raised it to its face. "You don't even have fingers, these are feathers! There is almost literally no way you can grab ahold of me and drag me off to wherever you and your disassembled buddy over there want to drag me."

Chica stopped in her tracks and looked back and forth at her fingerless arms, as if she had never considered this before.

"I mean, you could maybe try and bear-hug me and drag me like that, but there's no way you'd make any progress. It's just not going to happen. If you're really here to kill me or some stupid crap like that, you are simply not designed for it."

Though the animatronic could show no expression, Chica continued to stare at its feathered hands, as if having some deep, existential conversation with herself as to what her purpose was supposed to be and how she was, by her very designed, destined to fail.

"Oh, and by the way," Dante said, causing Chica to look back up at him. He swiftly tore the monitor free and smashed her upside the head with it. The animatronic shook for a few seconds before collapsing to the ground. "You forgot my milkshake."

Noting that there was a cup of long watered down soda sitting on the office desk, he took ahold of it and poured it along the machine's body, then grabbing some of the severed wires from the monitor, touching one briefly to arm and getting a quick electric shock for his effort. "But that's okay," he said, standing over his struggling foe. "I like fried chicken too." And dropped the wires.

Chica jerked and groaned in its deep voice, now full of what could well be agony as the electric current blasted through its body. Fizzing and sizzles could be heard and something like a small eruption seemed to take place in her chest cavity before robotic rigor-mortis set in and it laid motionless and defeated.

Not wanting to push the entire body outside at once, figuring it would be too heavy, Dante instead opted to tear off the arms and legs, tossing the oversized electronics out into the hallway. He was about to toss out the torso and head as well, but noticed something leaking onto his hands as he took ahold, something somewhere between the consistency of oil and blood. He thought little of it, tearing off Chica's bib and wiping off his hands before throwing out the rest of the body and sitting back down. He was about to look over all the rooms again before he took a good look at the painted "CELEBRATE" poster depicting Bonnie, Chica and Freddy, and frowned. "She's got arms in the poster? Wow, way to spring for authenticity guys. Top notch." And resumed checking the rooms.

"Freddy, gotta admit, I think I like you," Dante remarked. "In that you haven't moved this entire time." He clicked on pirate's cove to find Foxy the animatronic fox now entire feet from the open curtain that had hidden him.

"Guess I've got to keep an eye on you."

[[Author's note: Yes, I am well aware that Chica, beyond any real doubt if you see her in a lightened picture, has hands and fingers. However in the game's normal, near complete darkness, that is _very_ difficult to discern and, admittedly, I grew way too attached to the joke of, 'This should not be possible' and didn't want to give it up… Sooo… Yeah. Sorry if this isn't the most accurate Freddy's fic in that one particular department, my first intention is to be a parody]]


	4. Chapter 4

Dante began taking looks back and forth between Foxy and Freddy, the Freddy animatronic remaining seated and disinterested as Foxy seemed to dare him to look away, ready to speed into a gallop if he spent even an instant too long checking on Freddy. Bemused by this, Dante leaned towards the door on his left side and shouted, "You better not pal! You might trip on the rabbit corpse!"

When there was no response, he laughed to himself, setting the tablet aside and tapping on the stage where Freddy sat again and attempted his worst pirate accent. "Come on mate, don't even 'ave the camera on ya! Or ARRRRR ya too scared? I already killed one chicken tonight, I can handle two!"

He really wasn't sure if the animatronic understood what he was saying or not, but it was clear Foxy knew he was finally off camera. There was a surprisingly soft running sound coming from the left hallway, and as Dante put out his neck, he saw the animatronic fox rushing towards the door, jumping over Bonnie's devastated body when he came to it. Fast as he could, Dante ran to the wall next to the door and stuck out a leg.

Foxy tripped the moment he hit the leg, its already wide, unblinking eyes seeming to widen in horror as it approached the ground. Foxy did not simply fall: due to the gigantic size of Foxy's maw, hitting the ground at the angle he did split his mouth both upwards and downwards. When he pushed back to his feet, the top half of the robot's snout now formed a V towards the ceiling, while his lower jaw formed the same shape in the opposite direction. Foxy's hands felt around its face, implying it was wholly aware of the damage Dante had done.

In addition to grotesquely devastating Foxy's mouth, the animatronic found the oversized top half of his snout now was directly in the line of his vision, and tried to go to work at bending his mouth back into place, pricking himself several times with his hook hand.

"You know, one working hand is at least a _bit_ of an improvement, but it's still just plain impractical," Dante critiqued. "I mean, you probably weren't invented to be a killing machine, but could whoever's making you do this have chosen anything more lamer? You guys are scarier when you're on stage playing that awful music."

Foxy swung his arms in a desperate bid at an attack, unable to land an attack at first but scraping Dante a little with his hook in a lucky strike. Not wanting the creature to manage another, Dante quickly grabbed ahold of one of his razor sharp teeth, gave it an open handed thrust and forced it back into his chair.

"I got bad news for ye matey," Dante said, shutting one of his eyes tightly and sneering. "Ya haven't had enough limes and I'm afraid ye've caught the scurvy. But never a fear laddie, I be first mate on this galleon, and I'll be handlin' yer treatment."

Had Dante's foe been anyone with any degree of piratic intelligence, they would surely have pointed out just how much nautical slang he had failed to use properly and correct him on what scurvy was. But, indeed, his opponent was an animatronic fox who had long been decommissioned.

Dante hacked into Foxy's body with the blade-like tooth, surprised to find it easily cut into the machine's metallic body. After a first deep carving, Dante yanked another tooth free and repeated the process as Foxy continued to shake and struggle all along the way. After another cut into his cheek, Dante took hold of Foxy's hook hand and tore it free, burying the thing deep in its right eye. When it seemed to be glaring at him, he quickly pointed out, "At least I shoved it in the eye you're already wearing a patch for," and tore out another tooth. "Here, let me sing you a song from that stupid show I watched with my daughter while it was in syndication."

_"Do what you_…Something_ cause a pirate is free! You are a pirate!"_

Dante continued to dig through Foxy's chest until he found what he was sure was its central power base and, yanking a final tooth, severed every wire and watched as the animatronic went lax. Without the robot's struggling, Dante could easily pull Foxy's remaining teeth and set them on the desk for later use, throwing out the dismantled body with another shout of _"You are a pirate!"_ and returning to the tablet.

"Just you and me now Freddy," Dante said. He gave the stage a quick click to find the Freddy Fozbear animatronic not turned towards the audience as it had been before, but now starring directly at the camera, as if looking at him face to face. "Come get me."


	5. Chapter 5

[I am looking at the view count on this thing and I am just stunned. At the same time I am writing a mostly serious-minded reflection of my Catholic faith and a Korra/Avatar story designed to meet the standards I'd expect of Nickelodeon making one, somehow this is the story that exploded in popularity and is the fastest growing story I have ever put up. I had already decided the chapter that would be followed by personal reflection was just going to be called, "What the hell just happened" but I'm beginning to think "Hell" isn't quite strong enough a word…

So before starting this chapter, I did want to give a big, head-tilting thank you to you guys and all your support. I'm glad to have filled this many lives with a little more happiness and laughter]

As Dante sat, expecting some attempt at his hide by Freddy to be coming, he decided to look through the large metal desk and cabinets before him. He pushed the large fan atop it aside, noting its unusually high running speed as he began looking through drawers. Whoever the previous security guard was, he concluded, must have been a pretty heavy drinker. A few empty whiskey bottles sat at the bottom of a few cabinets and stank of stale saliva. Investigating further, he came across a file of some kind, marked "MIKE SHMIDT'S NOTES, PLEASE READ!" Dante lazily looked over the documents gathered inside, mostly worn-out old newspaper clippings and rolls of tape, probably used to secure the notes in place.

"Let's see… 'Kids vanish at local pizzeria'… 'Local pizzeria threatened with shutdown over sanitation'… 'OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER STILL AT LARGE', man, some people really have no idea how newspaper headlines work," he muttered. He shrugged, giving these no more mind than he gave the man on the phone and continued to look through the drawers. "Not just a drinker, but a smoker too huh? That could actually be useful."

When he was finished with the desk, he checked the tablet again to find Freddy had disappeared from the show stage. As he scanned across every room, he wasn't sure he could find him at all, and quickly got up to check the lights in the hallways. Still, he did not appear.

"Alright Freddy, alright," Dante shouted. "You wanna play that way? Fine, but I wanna get some more sleep, so." He hit the buttons on both doors, slamming them downward and locking himself inside the office. He checked the clock. It was four AM and he still had about thirty percent of his allotted power left, he wasn't too concerned. "You just knock when you're ready to play."

Dante leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes for about a minute, thinking of how long and hard he was going to sleep when he got home. After minute of pleasant quiet there was a round of deep, mocking laughter. Dante opened a single eye and was greeted by a true face to face confrontation with Freddy Fazbear.

For the first time that night, Dante was caught off guard. In that moment he found himself both falling backwards on his lean, crashing to the ground, and also having the time to deliver a punch directly to Freddy's face, which made the animatronic reel back after he did it.

Dante's hand was to his head as he glared up at Freddy. "You know what? That's the most impressive thing I've seen all night. You managed to get in here while the doors were shut. Congratulations… But that also means you were stupid enough to mess with the guy who just turned your buddies into scrap metal." And cracked his knuckles. "But before we get this party started, I do have one question… Why?"

Freddy starred at him, an almost confused look on his face, as he pointed to the telephone. "Wait, did that guy explain it? I didn't even listen." At this Freddy threw up his hands and, to Dante's surprise, managed to roll his eyes. He pressed a gigantic finger to the machine, first to turn it on and then to fast-forward for a few seconds until he came to a long stretch by the man.

"These characters, uh, if they happen to see you after hours, probably won't recognize you as a person. They'll - They'll most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now, since that's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza they'll probably try to uh... forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit.  
Um, now that wouldn't be so bad if the suits themselves weren't filled with cross-beams, wiring, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area, so you can imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of... discomfort... and death... Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth that would pop out the front of the mask."

At that point Freddy stopped the recording and glared at him again. "Well… That raised about as many questions as it answered. It's also not happening." Freddy grabbed ahold of him as one of the bear's bright blue eyes slipped from its socket, loosened by Dante's punch and revealing a burning red robotic eye. "You've made this a thousand times worse for yourself man. I thought you guys just wanted to kill me typically. And I'm okay with that, I've been dead before. But there is no way I'm putting on that stupid costume." Freddy began to tug and successfully pulled him towards the door. "I'm giving you a chance to walk away Freddy. Let go of my jacket, get back on the stage, and we can both leave tonight the same way we came in. This doesn't have to happen." Freddy took one of his hands off of Dante and pressed the button leading to the hall on the left side.

"Alright… I warned you."

Dante grabbed ahold of Freddy's head and twisted it with all his might, snapping his robotic neck until his was on the same side as his back. Freddy's eyes spoke to his disbelief for a moment before he opened his mouth and roared anger and agony. Dante pressed the button again, locking the two inside, took a step back and kicked Freddy in his head, successfully severing it from the rest of his body and watched as it bounced off the door, walls and floor before coming to a firm stop on the ground.

Dante looked down at the head, a little smirk on his face as he pulled out his chair and leaned back, ready to doze off again.

And then the headless Freddy Fozbear animatronic grabbed ahold of him again. Dante had to double-take. "Oh come on!" He shouted, though he knew he felt a little pleased about the fun going on a little longer. He stood up and tried to punch him, only to realize too late he couldn't hit him in the face anymore. Freddy threw him against the left-side shut door and pressed the button, making Dante fall backwards into the dark hallway. The animatronic picked up his head and clutched it under one of his arms and lifted Dante up with his free hand. Dante swished a mouthful of spit to blast at his face, but stopped and again remembered his head wasn't attached to his shoulders.

"You're pretty damn lucky I didn't bring any weaponry here," he remarked. "But I can improvise with the best of em'."

Dante took ahold of Freddy's free arm and, in a flash of red light, disappeared behind a body of deep-black and shining red scales and tore off Freddy's arm, kicking him in the stomach and forcing him back into the office. Dante reverted to his human state and patted the arm down in his hands like a baseball bat.

"You ready Freddy?" He asked with a snicker, took a step forward and began senselessly beating Freddy with his broken arm. Dante drug Freddy's fist into his face and stomach, bringing it down over and over again, the clang of metal against metal filling the tiny office, Freddy letting out small, but still deep voice letting out groans with every bash until Dante threw the arm out into the hallway, his breath heavy and worn.

The body and arm were dragged out into the hallway, Dante wiping his hands of more of the bloody oil, still unsure of where it all was coming from. However when he entered the office again to retrieve Freddy's head it was nowhere to be found. His eyes scanned the room slowly for a few seconds before the light overhead went out and he was left in complete darkness.

"I had more power left than that," he said under his breath, still looking for any sign of the bear's head. The room went completely silent. No sight, no sound, nothing was apparent within at all… Until there came a few bright flashes from one corner of the room accompanied by a music-box-like rendition of _Votre toast, je peux vous le render__ which, to Dante's surprise, he recognized._

_"What the hell? You play the Toreador song?" He laughed, looking right towards the flashing lights and seeing they were the eyes on Freddy's decapitated head and picked it up. "I even know the lyrics to this one! __And think, yes, think well as you fight/_ _That a dark eye is watching you/_ _And that love waits for you/_ _Toreador, love, love waits for you!_" He stopped and chuckled a little, the head still in his hands. "On anyone else that would be incredible subtle foreshadowing Fred. On me it's just funny trivia." He ran his hand along the head for a moment before he felt something in Freddy's mouth. He then released Freddy's head to grab the object exclusively, violently shaking the bear until he relinquished his grip and Dante could identify the object after lighting one of the former security guard's matches. "Ah, sneaky little bastard aren't you? You somehow managed to take out the fuse… With your teeth… And no body… I shouldn't think about this as much as I am," and Dante quickly found the fusebox and slipped it back in, illuminating the office once again. He picked up Freddy's head, now hung in defeat. "Only question is what I'm gonna do with you now… Hm…"

…

"And Dante goes for the three-point basket, AND-" He tossed Freddy's head at a garbage can he had grabbed out of the hall, the head falling in. "HE SCORES ANOTHER THREE POINT SHOT! Dante's lead has been raised to 99 over Freddy's Fazbears absolutely nothing! The crowd is going wild!" As he dug Freddy's head out, the eyes and mouth seemed to plead him to be put out of its misery. "What's the matter there Fred?" Dante asked. "I had fun playing your game, you aren't having fun playing mine?" Freddy let out a deep, demonic groan. "That's alright. I already decided how I was going to finish this."

Dante grabbed the roll of tape from the desk and secured Foxy's teeth to the blades of the fan after briefly shutting it off and removing the grate that covered it. He then grabbed Freddy's head with one hand and took ahold of the fan's plug with the other. "You and your buddies are machines that run on demonic energy huh? That's what I've got to guess. It's not very impressive demonic energy though… Let me show you how it's done."

In another surge of red, Dante transformed into his devil trigger state and squeezed the plug. The fan began to run, surging with his own hellish energy and beginning to spin faster and faster. Freddy's eyes grew large as he watched the office fan become three whirling blades of death and destruction. His groans were faster, as if gasping and pleading that this not be how it end. As he came closer, Dante began to recite the line he'd heard far too many times from his commercial.

"_Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, a magical place for kids and grown-ups alike where fantasy and fun come to life. _Yesterday I thought it was just false advertising, but you know what? It's true. I had a fun time Freddy… And now my last fantasy of the night is about to come true." Freddy's face was an inch from the wildly gyrating fan blades. "Because after this… I finally get to go to sleep."

He could have just let go, but he didn't. Dante force the head into the blades himself as Freddy Fazbear's head was quickly pureed to a blood-and-oil pulp. The costume's fur was sliced to pieces, there were sparks and clanks of steel as the blades first struggled but then successfully tore through the metal of Freddy's endoskeleton. After a few minutes Dante relinquished his grip and wiped some of the gib spray from his face and muttering, "Gross," before finally sitting back down, noticing the carnage now covered the posters and the entirety of the desk. "Yeah, I'd call that an improvement," he said.

He grabbed the tablet, determined to take one last look around the restaurant before finally just letting himself catch up on his sleep. He searched through every room, finding no sign of any more animatronics or the sort, only pausing when he looked at the last of the room's, the west hall.

"Wait… When did that get there?"

He was sure he hadn't seen it before, but it was there clear as day in that moment: A poster depicting an eyeless, golden Freddy Fazbear starring directly at the camera.


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as he lowered the tablet, Dante was greeted with the closest thing to a frightening sight he'd seen all night. Before him, leaning against the desk, was an oversized, golden Freddy Fazbear costume (costume, he noted, not animatronic). It matched the poster perfectly, with its giant, hollow eyes starring him down, its position slack, as if it was a corpse propped up on the desk.

Not wanting to show even an ounce of fear, Dante quickly looked right back at the tablet at the western hall before looking again to find the costume had disappeared. He blinked twice in confusion, then looked down at the tablet again, and the costume reappeared as soon as he looked back up, making him look down again and finding that it had disappeared when he looked towards the desk again. Instantly he began to cover his mouth, trying to contain his laugh.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me," he said, quickly losing control. He started repeating the process over and over, seemingly making the golden Freddy costume appear out of nowhere over and over again, much to his increasingly tired delight. Soon there were subtle changes in Golden Freddy's position, as if he was raising his hands a little more with every new teleportation in, at one point having one directly over his mouth as if he was going to vomit. Finally, he could take it no more.

"STTTTTTTOOOOOO-" He tried to scream, only to disappear again from Dante's look at the tablet. "OOOOO-"

"OOOO-"

"OOOO-"

"OOOOP!" Golden Freddy finally managed to command as Dante howled with laughter from his chair. His voice was deep, resonant and full of gravel. "GOD DAMNIT!" He screamed. "STOP DOING THAT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED, YOU'VE NEVER TELEPORTED BEFORE HAVE YOU?"

"Uhh, yeah I have," Dante said.

"OH YEAH? PORTALS OR SPONTANEOUS?"

"Portals."

"OH WELL LAH-DE-FUCKING-DA!" Golden Freddy continued to scream, making Dante wonder if he had any volume level that was any lower. "SPONTANEOUS TELEPORTATION IS MUCH HARDER! I HAVE TO REWRITE MY GOD DAMN GENETIC CODE EVERY TIME I DO IT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PAINFUL OR DIFFICULT THAT IS! IT'S LIKE BUILDING A TOWER OUT OF TOOTHPICKS!"

"You should see if your insurance covers that," Dante suggested. "I'll bet you leave a few… Wait, what am I talking about? You don't even have a genetic code, you're a costume. Possibly a demon possessed costume, but a costume nonetheless. There's nothing genetic about you."

"BITCH DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!"

"Ooh, ooh, wait," Dante said, grabbing Mike Schmidt's folder. "I have a few theories on this… Which one do I wanna do first… You're the phone guy?"

"NO!"

"You _killed_ the phone guy?"

"NO!"

"You're Mike Schmidt?"

"NO!"

"A weird hallucination I'm having right now because I ate too many strawberry malts and your terrible pizza today?"

"NO!"

"You're possessed by one of the ghosts of those kids that guy killed in the restaurant?"

"NO!"

"You're possessed by _all_ the ghosts of the kids that guy killed in this restaurant?"

"HOW MANY OF THESE ARE YOU-"

"You're possessed by the _guy_ who killed all those kids in this restaurant?"

"NO!"

"You were responsible for the bite of 87?"

"N- … WAIT, NO THAT ONE'S CORRECT. SORRY."

"You are possessed by the demonic prince Beelzebub, AKA The Lord of the Flies, chief demon of the sin of gluttony, and you hang around here because of course you do, it's a pizza joint and-"

Before Dante could continue Golden Freddy swatted the packet out of his hands and grabbed ahold of him. "ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE! I HAVE A JOB TO FINISH!"

"Oh right, killing me by forcing me into a stupid costume," Dante mused. "Say, could I ask you a quick question before you go through with it?"

"WHAT?"

"Why?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"I'm just askin', what will you gain by stuffing me in one of your suits and killing me?"

Golden Freddy opened his mouth to respond, but stopped, as if he had never considered asking himself that before. "I… I SUPPOSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW… I JUST REALLY WANTED TO DO IT."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought," Dante said. "And then you're gonna be all alone in this place because I just murdered all your friends and blended your brown-furred counterpart to the consistency of chunky salsa. Maybe they'll hire a new guy, but even if they do, is he going to listen to anything you have to say, or is he just going to try and run and escape whenever you appear in front of him?" Again, silence overtook Golden Freddy. "When are you going to have a chance to have somebody just sit down and listen to you again big guy? Is there anything you've been waiting a long time to say?"

"YOU MEAN… YOU REALLY WANT TO JUST… TALK TO ME?"

"Yeah, sure. You're the most reasonable one I've had all night, and I've still got," he checked the clock, "Ninety minutes of work left. What do you say?"

"… GEE… THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS KIND OF… NICE."

"Good, good," Dante said, flashing him a smile. "You think you could go to the kitchen and grab us some coffee then guy? I'm on duty, so I can't leave my post."

"YEAH… OKAY, I COULD USE A CUP OF IT TOO."

"And hey, listen, my house is like, a forty-five minute drive from here, it's pretty ridiculous… Is there like a groundskeeper's shed around here where they keep some gasoline maybe? Just so I'm sure I make it home? I forgot my credit card."

"WELL, THAT'S AWFULLY IRRESPONSIBLE, ISN'T THAT STEALING FROM THE COMPANY?"

"I'll pay them back, I'm not _stealing_, I'm just _borrowing_."

"WELL, ALRIGHT… I GUESS THAT'S OKAY…" They sat in silence for a minute before Golden Freddy added, "YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE TABLET BEFORE I CAN TELEPORT."

"Ah, okay," Dante said, raising the tablet, lowering it and repeating the process as Golden Freddy reappeared, offering him a cup of coffee and a half-full jerry can.

For over an hour the two sat in the security office, musing on the nature of the restaurant, Dante's career and their own hopes and goals.

"I'M NOT EVEN ENTIRELY SURE WHERE I CAME FROM," Golden Freddy admitted at one point. "I JUST KINDA SAW THAT KID ONE DAY AND THOUGHT, MAN, THAT LOOKS LIKE A TASTY FRONTAL LOBE."

"How did you even do that?" Dante asked. "Are you a costume or an animatronic? Because you just look like a haunted costume."

"WHAT IF WE ALL ARE HAUNTED COSTUMES?" Golden Freddy proposed.

"That's be a really dumb twist ending," Dante remarked, sipping his coffee.

"YEAH, I GUESS IT WOULD BE."

"I dunno, I never found 'where did I come from' mysteries to be all that great," Dante admitted. "I wonder about other things… Some that I'll probably never get answers to."

"LIKE WHAT?" Golden Freddy asked.

"Like how my wife can conceive children… I mean, I know there's a _little_ human in her, but we're talking like, this much," he said, making a tiny sign with his fingers. "You know what else I really wondered? If my uncle killed my Dad."

"WAS HE YOUR PATERNAL OR MATERNAL UNCLE?"

"Maternal… I don't know, I met him for the first time a few years ago. He's gone now, looked like death when I first met him too. Told me my mom came from this big deal, proud old race of demon hunters, that she got excommunicated because she fell in love with a demon… I don't know, something doesn't seem suspicious about that? Like, apparently one of the only members of this clan I'm apparently descended from had every reason to hate my dad, thought he was an incubus, and, if my mom was any indication, was probably masterfully trained… I mean yeah, he ended up helping me and connecting me with my dad's spirit and all that, but how do I know that wasn't guilt? How do I know he didn't kill my dad and come for me and my brother, but just saw that there was too much of my mom in us and decided to call it off?"

"I THINK YOU'RE SERIOUSLY OVERANALYZING THAT SITUTATION."

"Yeah, maybe I am," Dante admitted, checking the clock. "It's just about six Freddy, then I finally get to go home."

"WELL IT WAS GOOD TALKING TO YOU," Golden Freddy said. "MAYBE WE CAN CATCH UP SOME MORE. YOU'RE GONNA BE PAYING OFF DEBT TO THIS PLACE FOR A LONG TIME."

"Yeah, maybe I am," Dante said. "Hey though, while we still got a few minutes, I've got something I want you to have."

"FOR ME?"

"Yeah, just as a thank you for being a friend and, you know, not trying to kill me," Dante said.

"THAT MEANS A LOT, THANK YOU."

"I just need to get it ready, so I'm gonna look at the tablet real quick and then call you back, okay?"

"YOU PROMISE?"

"I promise big guy," Dante said, looking at the tablet and checking the room, finding Golden Freddy had disappeared again. Whistling the Toreador song, Dante opened up the desk and retrieved one of the security guard's old whiskey bottles and popped open the jerry can, casually emptying some of its contents inside. He then grabbed Mike Schmidt's packet and pulled out a few of his newspaper articles, stuffing them into the bottle before grabbing the book of matches that had sat next to the whiskey bottle. Dante then struck the match, lit the newspaper, looked down at the tablet and back up at Freddy as he reappeared.

"WHAT DID YOU GET-"

Without saying a word, Dante lifted the head on the Freddy costume and dropped his homemade Molotov cocktail into Golden Freddy's body. As the figure was still confused, it was easy for him to shove him into the east hallway and bring down the door with the push of the button.

Within seconds Golden Freddy became aware of what had been done, and started to scream in horror, begging Dante to open the door and cut the explosive out of him. The old demon hunter just sat back and sung Toreador to himself as the shattering of glass and eruption of fire became audible outside the door. Golden Freddy got a few more screams in before going silent. Dante hit the button and checked the east hallway to find the body burning from the inside. Black smoke rose from the smoldering costume carcass and triggered the fire-alarms, sprinklers overtaking the hallways and the security office as Dante watched the clock with a smile on his face.

5:55, he was almost home… But he knew there was still one thing left to do. Checking through the drawers, he found a small, unused pocketbook and pen, slipped them into his pocket and went out of the main dining area, the sun rising over the horizon and giving light to the pizza parlor.

Sitting down, he quietly began to estimate just how much damage had been done.

[[The next and final chapter, as mentioned, will be called, "What the hell just happened". It's a double meaning, you'll get it when you see it]]


	7. What the Hell Just Happened?

The very first of Freddy's employees made his way in as the clock hit six. He gave Dante and the bare show stage a look as he headed for the kitchen.

"What are you doing out here? Why are you all wet and… Wait, where the hell did Freddy and the gang go?"

"They're all hanging out by the security office," Dante said. "And there was a fire. I'm doing the math on the damage right now."

The employee gave him a strange look and made his way to the back, deciding to look by the security office before going to the kitchen. Dante could hear him screaming obscenities as he came back out, punching numbers into his cell phone.

"Don't you dare go anywhere!" He shouted. "I'm calling the boss right now. Do you have any idea what those things were worth?!"

"I've been doing rough estimations," Dante said, referring to his pocketbook. If you know what they are though, I'd be happy to know. It'd make this whole ordeal a lot easier."

Within half an hour Freddy's manager pulled into the parking lot, ignoring Dante at first and going straight to the back hallways, soon letting out a few screams of his own before he joined Dante in the dining room.

"What in God's name have you done?!"

"All I did was defend myself… Albeit sometimes in unnecessarily extreme ways, but hey, what are you gonna do?" Dante said with a shrug.

"You've destroyed the backbones of this business!" The manager screamed, his face turning red in fury.

"Say, do you know if this place has demon insurance?"

"WHAT?!"

"Demon insurance… I mean, it's not _legally_ called that or anything-"

"What in God's name are you talking about?!"

"I have reason to believe your restaurant was haunted by demons," Dante said matter-of-factly. "And that they were possessing the bodies of your already freaky as hell animatronics."

"That's completely ridiculous!" The manager insisted. "You're out of your mind!"

"Your machines showed signs of sentience, the Golden Freddy costume and I even had a couple of totally meaningless conversations before I dropped a Molotov inside of him… Also they bleed. A lot."

"That's just oil!"

"Yeah, I'm sure it is." Dante scoffed. "And again, your robot buddies were smart enough to attempt to communicate with me and showed clear signs of self-awareness. Hell, Freddy Fazbear himself told me he wanted to stuff me inside one of those stupid costumes, which, I am to believe, would have caved in my head."

The manager was now growing less angry and more nervous. "Uhh… But that is uh-"

"Sir, I'm going to guess you are not familiar with paranormal law," Dante continued, unamused, "But I've been a part of this field for over thirty years. So, let's assume for a sec that no, you really had no idea demons were possessing your animatronics-"

"Demons don't exist!" The manager shouted in disbelief.

"I gigantic tower rose out of the ground in Venna and opened a gateway directly into hell back in '89 sir," Dante said. "It was all over the news, it happened a few blocks away from my apartment. There really is no plausible denying something like that… Anyway, if you were aware that this restaurant was playing nesting grounds to a bunch of demons, you'd incur some pretty heavy governmental fines for not shutting this place down immediately for an exorcism. Assuming, however, you were indeed ignorant of what happened, you wouldn't have to pay those fees."

"What are you even going on about?! None of this changes the fact that you destroyed the main draw of this restaurant!"

"Hey pal, I broke the Street Fighter 2 machine yesterday, that was how I got here, because nobody in their right mind comes here to see your stupid, blood-filled animatronics. And either way," he reached into his pocket and produced a small brochure. "I grabbed this from home before I came in, your puppets were freaky enough to warrant it."

The manager looked over in brochure in disgust, "What the hell is this?"

"Information regarding destruction of property and exorcism law, as described by my good friends at the BPRD, the United Statue Beaureu for Paranormal Research and Defense. If you look at article 14, subsection 4, addendum C… 'Any persons performing an exorcism or destruction of demons possessing property, whether consented or otherwise, are not liable for said destruction if sufficient proof of paranormal activity is supplied.'"

"How in God's name do you justify that?!" The manager demanded.

"The destruction of demons and paranormal entities outweighs the price of private property sir," Dante remarked. "And if you look to article 19, 'Exorcists or hunters should expect compensation for their work, regardless of-' hang on, I'm not done, no need to scream yet. 'Regardless of consent of destruction, so long as proof of said exorcism is deemed sufficient by the BPRD.'"

"Now if we look over here to article twenty, 'In the case of provable ignorance of paranormal activity, private property owners may appeal to the BPRD to pay compensation for damaged property and reward exorcist/slayer for their work. Matters such as these will be handled on a case-by-case basis." When the manager offered no instant response, Dante summarized, "It means you can write into the BPRD to pick up the tab on this little mess of yours… _But_ they'd have to do a thorough inspection of this restaurant, and given just how much isn't up to code around here, and the fact that it was pretty obvious to any veteran demon hunter that this place is haunted… Yeeeaaaah I don't think they're gonna be of much help to you."

"You still haven't answered for the destruction of our property! Each one of those animatronics was worth twelve-hundred dollars!"

"Twelve hundred?" Dante asked, scribbling some things off on his sheet. "Ha! Boy was I being generous! I'm pretty sure that puts me out of the red! What did the Golden Freddy costume cost?"

"Another four-hundred!" Dante laughed even harder as he slid his sheet of paper to the furious manager.

"Okay, here's what I owe you for the broken Street Fighter 2 machine, here's the price on every one of those animatronics, here's Golden Freddy, and over here is the gasoline I used and the burn marks I left on the floor… Now over _here_ is what you agreed to pay me for the night, the US mandated minimal charge for a hunter-assisted exorcism, multiplied by five because I had to kill five of them, and some hush money so I don't tell the BPRD and the food and drug administration to shut down your sorry ass…" He circled a number in the middle of the sheet. "And there we have it. You owe me one-hundred twenty dollars and fifty cents."

The managed fumed as he starred at his calculation before blaring "GET OUT!" At the top of his lungs and pointing towards the door.

"I accept cash or check, have it to me in the next thirty days or we'll have to get my lawyer involved," Dante said cheerfully, heading for the door.

"_YOUR _LAWYER?! MINE WILL BURY YOU FOR ALL THE DAMAGE YOU'VE DONE TO THIS PLACE!"

"Good luck with that!" Dante called with a laugh. "Tell the BPRD you want the big red guy, me and him have to do some catching up if he comes to town!"

Ten days later Dante received a letter from Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. Enclosed inside was a check for one-hundred twenty dollars and fifty cents. All was as it should be.

The End.

…

_Okay, seriously now MJTR, What the Hell Just Happened?_

I literally discovered Five Nights at Freddy's a day or two before I started writing this thing.

I don't usually get too invested in indie horror games. Ever since Slender they've just felt kinda over-hyped and over-saturated. I'm sure a lot of them are good, but I don't feel all that interested in them. But I'm a common frequenter to Memebase, AKA , and there was a little bit in there where the sight was overloaded with Freddy's stuff. So eventually, I just decided to look into it, and was presented with a surprisingly effective, damn scary piece of work. And for a little bit there, I was really pretty frightened of the whole thing. The game is damn effective and I like it a lot for the atmosphere and freaky visuals it pulls off so well. I hadn't felt such a pure rush of lasting fear in a while. I mean, I've seen freakier things, but Freddy's did a fantastic job just kinda lingering with me. So much so that, for the first time in years, I thought about an old tactic I'd use to ease my fears…

In a time when I sought out stuff to scare myself all the time, I would often wonder what would happen if horror movie villains had to deal with professionals instead of the normal, below-average intelligence level teenagers. So I began to imagine Dante in the roles of main characters from horror flicks. It was different from this in a few ways, such as the fights seeming more even and the like instead of nothing but Dante's curbstomping, but the essence was certainly there.

With Devil May Cry still fresh in my mind from writing _Revelations_ a few months back, I thought about what Dante would do if he was sitting in that stupid office… And I quickly decided to style the whole thing on the idea, "The Freddy characters are Elmer Fudd and Dante is Bugs Bunny".

Horror movies and games often operate under a similar logic, but the bad guys are usually Bugs while the victims are Elmer Fudd. The bad guys can seem like they're breaking established rules, laws of physics, whatever, as long as they ultimately get the kill at the end. And that's a terrifying situation to be in. No one wants to be Elmer Fudd, ever.

Actually, it might be more accurate to say Dante is standing in for Cecil Turtle. Under any normal circumstance, Bugs/The Freddy Gang are utterly unstoppable opponents, and who knows how many victories are under their belts… But once in a great while, we as the audience like to see Bugs defeated and brought down to earth. Tortoise Beats Hare is one of my favorite Loony Tunes episodes of all time, because while I love seeing Bugs outsmart the likes of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam, he needs to be reminded now and again that he _isn't_ unstoppable. Heck, Cecil Turtle wasn't even looking for any trouble, Bugs just found the idea that Cecil could defeat him so impossible he challenged him without a second thought. The Freddy Gang didn't find anything extraordinary about Dante, he was just another security guard they thought they could kill like all the rest. Dante, like Cecil, is decidedly disinterested in victory at first, but when they decide to really start giving him trouble, he opens a can of whoopass and puts them all in their place. It functions not only as a funny parody of the Freddy situation, but, I hope, as a way that some readers of this thing can ward off some of their fears like I did. Sometimes one of the best ways to stop being afraid of something is to laugh at it, and between Dante's legendary snark and the utterly merciless ways they were all dispatched, I think there's a lot to laugh at.

I was actually a little regretful of writing Bonnie's death at first, noting to myself, "Shit, I may have used my best one up already." I think Chica and Foxy's deaths were a little underwhelming by comparison, but I think Golden and _especially_ normal Freddy were pretty great. Any time a body can be likened to chunky salsa I am all over it. It was a game the animatronics couldn't win from the start, but anyone who had played or watched footage of Five Nights at Freddy's would surely want to see them all go down, one at a time, in horrifyingly funny ways.

It was also an early decision to not have Dante use his weapons when he fought them off. In my head, every kill by Rebellion and Ivory/Ebony would have kinda melded together, and a big part of Freddy's game is the environment, so I opted to just have him use his available resources to win every fight in the story.

Given that this is a parody but is still in continuity with Revelations (and yes, I do mean that), I decided Dante had to be wackier than usual, but still recognizable. He's a bit more of a Loony Tunes character here than he ever was in the games, but I decided to keep it because it was just so much fun to write. There's a reference or two to Revelations in here outside of Dante and Luica being married and having kids, namely that Dante's uncle Abati gets a brief mention. As to Dante's theory about him… I'll let the readership decide if there's any weight to it or, like Golden Freddy suggested, he was just taking things too seriously.

Also being a parody I decided to throw out a reference or two to other sort of random things. I guess it's official that a certain red-skinned half demon and a teenage murderer who can't blink and has a Joker smile exist in my Devil May Cry universe too… Hm…

So yeah, I think that really about covers the fastest I've ever put something like this out. I hope everyone had some good laughs, maybe had some deep, hard to deal with fears alleviated a little bit and had a good time.

Like how I write the Devil May Cry Universe? Read Devil May Cry Revelations.

Wanna see me attempt a time-travelling Avatar fic? Check out Book of Time?

Ever want to see a writer and a character struggle with exactly what Catholicism and religion are really about while taking on Batman's rogue gallery? You should look into Angel of the Bat.

This is Michael Joseph Tharnish Roby, signing out.


	8. Sequel Hook

"John? John are you okay out there? I know you're trying to figure out some way to save the business but-"

"We'll be fine Carly… I promise we'll get out of this slump alright. We always have."

"I just worry about you John… I know Freddy's was you and Mark's dream, but maybe it's time to let that go… You made a lot of kids really happy John. I just want you to know that."

"Thanks Carly. I really am gonna miss this old place. That's all… Unless a miracle comes and… No, I'm sorry."

"I don't care what any of those customers said. Larry and Maxie loved Freddy and his pals, and that white-haired lunatic should feel ashamed for what he did."

"I know Carly, I know… I've gotta go now, okay? I'll be home in a little bit. Tuck in the kids and tell them goodnight for me… Yes, I love you too Carly."

As the Freddy Fazbear manager hung up the phone, he sighed, took a deep breath, reached into a sealed crate on his right, and produced a tiny, pink, adorable piglet. The creature squealed with joy upon getting a breath of fresh air and looked up at John almost endearingly, as if looking at its own beloved mother.

John then grabbed a meat cleaver and hacked off the piglet's head, in a scene so graphic the story's narrator/author decided to break the whole "third-person/fly on the wall narrative" to remark that, "Wow, that was kinda fucked up even by my standards."

Smearing the pig's blood upon his fingertips, John drew a pentagram upon the top of one of the pizza ovens, turned its internal temperature to its maximum, opened the door, and knelt. In moments, the fire within the oven formed something not dissimilar to a face, which then shrieked, "JOHN FAZINGTON! THIS FAILURE IS UNACCEPTABLE!"

"Yes my lord, I am well aware," John said with some hesitation.

"YOU HAVE PERMITTED THE SON OF SPARDA TO LAY WASTE TO OUR YEARS OF WORK AND SACRIFICE!"

"The Son of Sparda? But… But you told me he was dead!"

"HE WAS DEAD FOR LIKE, A DAY FAZINGTON! PRETTY SURE I UPDATED YOU ON THAT ONE!"

"I feel like I would remember that if-"

"DO NOT DEFY ME FAZINGTON! OR NEED YOU BE REMINDED WHAT I DID TO MARCUS HABEAR AFTER HE NEARLY HAD YOUR BUSINESS DESTROYED?"

"No sire, please… I remember what happened to Marcus-"

"HEY MARCUS, SAY HI TO YOUR FRIEND."

Out from the oven's fire came the loudest scream yet. "YOU'RE GONNA BURN IN HERE WITH ME JOHN! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU GO YOU SON OF A BITCH, THEN IT'LL BE _YOUR_ ASS THEY SHOVE PITCHFORKS UP!"

"Nice to hear from you too, Mark," John sighed.

"ENOUGH OF THIS INSOLENCE!" The first demonic voice roared. "YOU FAILED TO PERSERVE MY CHANNEL FOR SACRIFICES, AND UNLESS I RECOVER IT, I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CONQUOR THE HUMAN WORLD."

"Master please, I know you must be under a lot of stress-"

"STRESS?! THIS IS NOT STRESS FAZINGTON! IT WAS STRESS WHEN I TOOK THE DIVE AND TRIED TO CREATE THE WORLD'S FIRST CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT CENTER THAT LEAD RIGHT INTO HELL! IT WAS STRESS WHEN I TRIED TO GET YOU AND MARCUS TO MUTUALLY AGREE TO SIGN THE BLOOD OATH. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO FIND TWO PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES COULD BE MADE INTO A PORTAMTEAU THAT WAS AS EASY ON THE EARS AS "FAZBEAR?"

"Sire I was only trying to say-"

"AND THEN THERE'S THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE DEMONIC REALM FOR DECADES NOW! 'IT'LL NEVER CATCH ON', 'THIS PLAN IS TOO ELABORATE', 'YOU CLEARLY DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH'."

"Yes sire… Yes I know…"

"BARBARICCIA MAKES FUN OF ME FOR YOUR STUPID RESTAURANT! AND THAT GUY PLAYS THE TRUMPET WITH HIS ASS!" There came an audible, unpleasant squeaking sound from behind the demonic head shape and followed by a round of obnoxious laughter. This caused it to turn and roar, "THAT SURE WAS JUST AS FUNNY THE OTHER MILLION TIMES YOU DID IT!" It then turned back to John. "YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO COMPETE WITH? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT GUY DID? HE GAVE A CAREER TO THOSE TWO LITTLE CANADIAN BASTARDS. YOU KNOW THE ONES… UH… PHIL AND TERRY, RIGHT?"

"Something like that, yes."

"WELL ENOUGH OF THIS TALK! HOW MUCH DID YOU HAVE THIS BUILDING INSURED FOR, FAZINGTON?"

"Um… Not as much as you might think…"

"I REALLY HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE, DON'T I?!" The voice demanded. It then took a deep inhale and splat an ember right between John's eyes.

Long jaded to such treatment, John's only reaction was, "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

"GET A GOOD LOOK AT IT, IDIOT."

John pulled the ember from his face, unfolding it and talking a long look, surprised to find it was a _Lucky 6's_ brand lottery ticket.

"I GOT THIS DEAL WITH THE MAMMON, HE'S THE GUY WHO MAKES THE DAMN THINGS. GO CASH IT AND WE'LL REBUILD THIS PLACE!"

"But master, wouldn't it maybe be a better idea to… You know… _Not_ incur the wrath of the Son of Sparda a second time-"

"WE WON'T INCUR HIS WRATH! I WILL HAVE MY SACRIFICE _AND _MY VENGANCE! AND I WILL NOT STOP AT HIM! YOU WILL BUILD A SECOND GENERATION OF ANIMATRONICS, AND WITH IT, WE WILL SLAY TWO GENERATIONS OF SPARDA'S ILK!"

…

The Freddy Fazbear Animatronics, Dante and Evie will return in _Dante's Night at Freddy's 2: Animatronic Boogaloo_


End file.
